How does someone who needs a divorce figure out how to proceed? Which services would be most useful? Whom to call first? (Attorney? Mediator? Coach?) What will be the process most likely to keep costs down? Which approach will yield the most satisfactory results?

Here are some tips:

If you have contacted a Collaborative Law attorney first, then he or she can provide structure for your divorce process and provide referrals to other professionals as needed.

If you already have begun work with a divorce or parenting coach, then have a discussion with him or her about whether Collaborative Law or mediation would be a good fit for your needs. Then ask for attorney recommendations. With whom does your coach already have good working relationships?

If you have found a mediator and need separate legal counsel, ask your mediator for leads. What attorneys have provided good support and offered helpful insight to clients in the past?

Have you been asking around? Have you sought advice from your friend who had an awful divorce, or your sibling who constantly complains about her ex-husband, or your colleague who says she can’t make ends meet because she doesn’t get enough child support, or your neighbor who says he never gets to see his kids . . . STOP. Those people who are not thriving after divorce, dear to you as they may be, are not the ones to guide you. Turn instead to qualified, peace-making professionals who can give you the kind of advice that will enable you and your spouse to find your way to satisfying futures.

Conventionally, lawyers have provided a bundle of services. When hiring a lawyer, you could expect him or her to handle your case from start to finish – including drafting pleadings, investigating and verifying information, interviewing witnesses, preparing arguments, writing letters, negotiating, appearing on your behalf in court, and finalizing all documents. Lawyers were a one-stop shop.

Those of us who went to law school several decades ago expected to do all of these things. We were taught that it could be dangerous and unethical not to: when we signed up a client, it was our duty to provide thorough and zealous representation. If we left any stone unturned, we could be rightly accused of professional negligence.

Then, lawyers were also the keepers of all legal information. To find out about your legal rights and obligations, you went to a lawyer. Or, I suppose, you went to a law library, where you might have faced walls of books comprehensible only to the professionals. What a frustrating experience it would have been to try to represent yourself!

All of that has changed. With the internet at our fingertips, we have grown accustomed to seeking and finding answers to our questions, often without even leaving home. As a result, I and other lawyers are seeing clients who often are better informed, more focused, and more independent. They can do more themselves, and they don’t want us to do it for them.

Additionally, of course, lawyers are expensive. Comprehensive representation by a lawyer is not affordable for many. So, whether they want more autonomy in resolving their legal matters or whether they simply have to economize, clients are asking us to tailor our services to fit their specific needs, and to trust them to determine where those needs start and stop.

So, we are “unbundling” our services — offering them in parts rather than only as a whole. This means that you can hire a lawyer for just an hour’s consultation or for ongoing phone or face-to-face support; to draft documents or to review documents prepared by another; to give advice and then back away, or to actively assist you in your negotiations. Your attorney can accompany you to mediation, or not. Your attorney can speak for you if you wish, or will be quiet if that is what you prefer.

In my practice, I try always to support the out-of-court process the client has chosen — whether that involves negotiating with a spouse directly and without facilitation, or working with a professional mediator (who is sometimes an attorney, sometimes a divorce coach with a mental health background, and sometimes a financial analyst). I tell my clients I can be as active or inactive as you choose; let’s discuss what works for you.

Mothering is complicated in the best of circumstances, full of loss and worry as well as joy and hope. Mothering as a divorced mom has its additional challenges. This Mother’s Day wish is particularly for those moms who…

listen, let go, and have faith in a vision of shared parenting;

long for the nightly bed-time rituals that happen, now, less often;

deal with the loneliness of an empty nest, not at eighteen, but at four, or six, or eight;

perfect the art of cheerfully saying, “that’s terrific; I love hearing about it and I love that you had a great time” even while silently grieving;

learn to fill their time with other important things;

and it is to those moms…

whose teenager, needing at last to bond with his dad as never before and lacking any graceful way to ask for the opportunity, rages and rages and rages (this being the price of having raised a son secure enough in his mother’s love that he knows that though he pushes her away with all his might, she’ll never go away).

For you, I wish that at least part of Mother’s Day (because you may have only part, if this is your ex-spouse’s weekend), feels uncomplicated. I wish that for several hours, you experience nothing but the pure joy of your children, and of being the terrific mom that you are.

How privileged I was to be Forrest (Woody) Mosten's intern at his January, 2014, family mediation training in his L.A. home. I was able not only to participate along with the other students, but also to discuss with Woody his pedagogy and observations of the class. What an outstanding learning experience!

Woody is a master trainer, an ability honed in his many years of helping to define the family mediation field as we know it today. There seems to be nothing he hasn't confronted, no complexity he hasn't helped to untangle. His skill is humbling, and his commitment to peacemaking is inspiring. Having already transitioned my own practice to mediation, Collaborative Law and unbundled services in recent years, I now embark on the post-Woody phase of my professional life, in which I expect the clarity of my vision will be sharper, my skills will be better refined, my curiosity will be more acute, and my clients will be better served.

Thank you, Woody, for the superb example you set for us all. And thank you, Jody, for your warm hospitality throughout the week in which the lucky eighteen of us took over your house.

For the many moms I see whose marriages are ending when they are in their ’40s or ’50s and they have been out of the workforce for many years, I wonder whether this advice might have been useful:

Do stay-at-home moms need a ‘postnup’?

If you are one of those stay-at-home parents now trying to figure out how to secure your post-marriage financial future, this advice to negotiate before giving up your career comes too late. But you needn’t face your fears and your future alone, and you needn’t resent your wage-earner former spouse because he is now economically advantaged. This is a time for cooperation and planning — working together to ascertain and meet your needs, your spouse’s needs, and your children’s needs. You’re likely going to need to get back into the work force, and your path might be totally new to you. A good vocational counselor can guide you. A good Collaborative Law professional team, with everyone working together, can support both you and your spouse so that fear and conflict don’t undermine the ability of the two of you to make the most of your assets, financial and otherwise.